Subconscious arguments with myself

So, I'm still riding my bike to work sometimes. Not every day, mind you, and I often wimp out and put it on the bus for the ride back home. (The ride home is slightly more uphill than the ride to work, you see.) But get this--last night I had an anxiety dream that I forgot to bike to work today. And took the bus instead. That was it! Big disaster! I took the bus!


I don't know whether to be relieved or saddened that this is the level to which my anxiety dreams have sunk.

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My kidneys hurt. This has been going on for a while now, and at first I thought maybe I wasn't drinking enough water. Except that I drink approximately 12 gallons of water per day, as well as a few cups of herbal tea. (And yes, okay, some coffee, but not THAT much coffee. Well, not that much for Seattle.) And then I realized: it's because I hold it. See, there's no bathroom on my floor of the library--not for staff, and not for patrons. This situation is the cause of some dismay for patrons, and some kidney issues for staff, namely me.

I'll sit at the reference desk for hours, holding it, because going to another floor is like, an errand. I'll be gone from the desk for at least 10-15 minutes, and I'm convinced that by that time the teenagers* might have burned the place down. Plus, there is the lazy. Sometimes I'll have almost subconscious arguments with myself where I'm like, "I'll just hold it another 20 minutes. That way, maybe I can just go to the bathroom 4 times today, instead of 6! I'm saving half an hour!!"

But losing my kidneys. So maybe I should rethink that strategery.


*Actually, to be fair, in terms of burning the place down the teenagers aren't nearly as big of a threat as the other people who hang out on my floor. Every day I have to remind a big group of dudes that they can't roll their cigarettes inside the library, and I'm sure they'd light right up if I let them.