Friday, December 21, 2007

On the #10 from downtown to Capitol Hill, 5:35 p.m.

Clearly Intoxicated Woman: (screaming into cell phone) But I need to SEE YOU. No way, I can't AFFORD a hotel room. Because I don't want to spend the night in SOME ALLEY SOMEWHERE. Listen. LISTEN BABY. NO.

Bus Driver: (into his loudspeaker) This conversation seems a little bit personal.


Bus Driver: But maybe that 's just me.


Bus Driver: I need a vacation. Maybe in Cabo.


Bus Driver: I heard that Sammy Hagar parties in Cabo. I think he even makes his own tequila.

CIW: Okay. Okay. I'm coming OVER. See you soon.

Bus Driver: You know how when you're a kid, they tell you to dream big? I wanted to be a race car driver.

Thursday, December 20, 2007

She said she'd married her an architect

It seems like everyone is in a good mood today. Even me! The guy in front of me on the escalator just now was singing, "We drank a toast to eeeee-no-since, we draaaaank a toast to nooow"--but he was singing it in a very upbeat way. A nice little memorial to Dan Fogelberg.

I'm getting really excited about going home for Christmas. For one thing, there's the weather. Sure, I'm a little concerned about that dip down into the low 60's by the middle of next week. But overall I think we should be fine.

Other things I like about Christmas with my family:

  • We celebrate the tacky and the ridiculous.

Tastefulness and Christmas go together like chocolate and turpentine. You've gotta EMBRACE the pink plastic lawn flamingo, and all the outfits that come with it! Trust me. You'll feel better.

  • There's nothing to do (in a good way).
  • You can have a glass of wine.

Things I like about Christmas at R's parents' house:

  • Thousands of adorable blonde children, with puppies.

At least that's how it seemed last year. It could have been only four or so children and one puppy.

  • Singing

They do group sing-a-longs, with like, hand motions and shit. It's awesome.

  • Snow

Both versions of Christmas are excellent, but this year I'm feeling more in need of sunshine and alchohol. Don't judge!

And finally, some holiday cheer for you and yours:

Wednesday, December 19, 2007


What demon do you think Dick Cheney's minions were making an unholy sacrifice to when the whole thing got out of control?

I was thinking maybe Moloch. Something nice and traditional--certainly none of those sissy Gnostic demons.

Monday, December 17, 2007

My Certificate

A friend of mine recently got married in a great vintage wedding dress, and she bought it from an organization that donates the proceeds to breast cancer research. Cool, right? So I did a little online research of this organization, and gave them my email address.

In return, they sent me an offer for a CERTIFICATE. Oooh, I thought, a gift certificate towards a wedding dress? Fantastic! So I clicked on the link they provided, typed in the login and password (wishes/granted, if you please), and was presented with this:

Wow, right? I mean. Wow. Of couse, I printed out two of them right away--one for me, and one for my coworker who is also getting married next year. We hung them up on our Wall of Certificates*, which we gaze upon every day with pride.

*We also have a Certificate of Completion, for an online professional development class my coworker took, and a Certificate of Achievement, for an online Disaster Preparedness course I was required to take. However, neither of those are pink, so this one was a real coup.

Friday, December 14, 2007

Future Me

Ah, time well-spent.

Meet My Future You - Find Your Own Future You

What's most interesting to me is that future me looks a lot more like my brother, although nobody thinks we look much alike now. Well, it doesn't look LIKE him in the sense that he is a hideous post-apocalyptic monster. It just looks like it was done with a picture of him, instead of one of me.


I feel bad that my first two posts on my shiny new blog have been so whiny. I've had blogs before, and they were much more upbeat, honest. I had an hour and a half long massage last night, though, and I am now totally primed for positivity, if not amazing insights.

For now, though, please to enjoy this meme, flagrantly stolen from the Lass.

Five things I don't get:

1. Dancing with the Stars
Seriously, why did people watch that show? Do we really need to see more of Marie Osmond? More to the point, do we really need to see more of Donnie Osmond doing commentary about Marie Osmond's dancing skillz on Entertainment Tonight? No, we do not.
2. Plastic surgery.
It won't help. Just ask Meg Ryan.
3. American Gladiators
Did you know this show is back? Do you know why?
4. Republicans
5. Strip malls

Five things I wish I had more of:

1. Time
2. Money
I mean, since you're offering. Although this is not nearly as important as #1.
3. Steely reserve
4. Clothes
5. Hair
Actually, this should maybe be #1.

Five of my least favorite words or phrases:

Like, that I use? Because I could like, totally fill this one up with just my own awesome vocab.

1. Literally.
I know, I know, I'm a nerd. But it drives me crazy when people misuse this world. You aren't "literally" freezing cold, nor are you "literally" so happy right now, because there is no figurative sense in which you could be happy. Just trust me.
2. Any corporate/Microsoft gibberish, such as "Let's take this offline in a sidebar" or "What's the roadmap for the go-live productdrop to be featurecomplete?"
3. "Chill out."
Screw you, man. I AM CHILL. Now go away before I EAT YOUR BRAINS.
4. "Missy"
From a library patron, referring to me.
5. "I'm sorry you took it that way."

Five famous people I've spoken to in person:

I've pretty much got nothing for this one. How sad for me. When I see famous people, my modus operandi is generally to point and stare, followed by giggling. The celebs love it!

1. Most of the Shins
2. Most of Modest Mouse
3. A bunch of teen authors and a few minor rock stars
4. Seriously, I think that's it.
5. Boo.

Five things I do almost every day that I don't particularly enjoy:
1. Wake up the homeless.
I don't know why, it's just a compulsion I have. I kid, I joke! It's all in the line of duty.
2. Go running.
3. Clean the cat litter.
4. Wash dishes.
5. Wait for the bus.
Baby, it's cold outside.

Five things I have done that may sound like lies:
1. Been an assembly line foreman(woman)
2. Won an award for Best Handwriting
Only shocking if you've seen my handwriting.
3. Designed and taught college writing courses, just like a real professor!
Many of the students even learned something.
4. Grew up on Pleasant Valley Road, just outside of Rainbow City, Alabama
Doesn't that sound like a good place for unicorns to frolic? Plus, I have a great porn name.
5. Slapped a boy right across the face during a high school class, and received no repercussions.
He had it coming.

Thursday, December 13, 2007

A plea for an Eagles-free holiday season

I have Christmas gifts yet to make/buy, parties to prepare for, a wedding to plan, and a ton of crap to do at work, and I really feel like doing . . . nothing.

Just, nothing. I could happily pull a Costanza and curl up under my desk right now for a little shut eye. Or go home and watch reruns of Monk all day in my pajamas.

Part of me totally loves the holidays. So sparkly! So magical! Such a distraction from the shitty weather and utter darkness! But another part of me? Views the whole holiday season as an evil, soul-sucking vampire who WILL NOT REST until I have heard "No Place Like Home For the Holidays" 346 times (not to mention that Christmas song by the Eagles, dear god!), have fretted and lost sleep over each and every gift, and just want to curl up in a fetal position and wait for January 2nd.

Hey, you know what? Maybe I just need to remember the Reason for the Season! And what is that Reason, you ask?

Egg nog. Delicious, creamy egg nog, with a splash of Jim Beam.

Monday, December 10, 2007

The Words of Engagement

I recently became engaged to a very nice man, which is awesome. Do you know what is not quite so awesome, however? The word "fiance." I generally refuse to say it. But someone almost always pipes in, "Hey, he's not your boyfriend anymore! He's your FIANCE!!!"

There is no escape.

I'm not sure exactly what it is about that word that drives me so nuts. Maybe it's just the poser Frenchiness of it--"Oh pardonez-moi, ma cher, but have you met my fiance?" Gack.

But it's not like my other options are much better. "Boyfriend," which is my standard term, sort of conjures up images of seventh grade and going with someone, whereas "partner" (which I also sometimes throw in for kicks) makes me feel like I have now found someone with whom to run my law firm. And "lover"--gross, let's pretend we never even brought it up.

Hence, my quandry. Anybody out there got a favorite term-to-use-when-speaking-to-others-about-one's-very-special-lady/man-friend? In a few months I can go with "husband," I suppose, but even that one I'm not 100% sold on.

Probably I should get a reader or two first, then start asking the questions. So backwards I am.