Wednesday, March 26, 2008

The Disentigration of the Plan

Remember the noble Plan? Not going so well. Mostly this is because I am a big fat crabby complainer, but there are a few external reasons as well.

Such as:

1. The weather.
Remember when I made that list of Most Suck Months, and I put March as #3? What a fool I was. March sucks THE MOST, by far. Sure, it stays light a little longer, but who can tell when it's pouring down rain? This month has been exactly like January, only windier. March can bite me. Screw you, March.

2. The patrons.
I get it, Public. This large, terrifyingly modern library is hard to navigate! The elevators take a long time! There's no bathroom on this floor! The escalator has weird art in it that you don't like!

But here is a tip for you: I did not design this library. Nobody asked for my opinion. If they had I would have put a bathroom on this floor, if not for your convenience then certainly for mine. So walk off in a huff if you must, but know that I TOO AM HOLDING MY PEE. And I hold it every day, so suck it.

Also, I KNOW that isn't a service dog. But at least you're not trying to pass off a "service rat," so I guess I should count my blessings.

3. Actually, that's about it.
I've been trying to come up with a number 3, but the only other stuff that is making me act like an asshole is wedding stuff, and who wants to hear about the rental price of napkins? Nobody, that's who.

On the bright side:

1. I keep getting emails from Obama with the subject line: "Dinner Invitation."
He's so into me!!! I should probably get a new outfit and maybe some eyeshadow. Wheee!

2. I finally found some shoes that seem comfy enough to walk in all day in Europe, yet also compatable with sundresses. They are somewhat ugly, yes, but they have patented negative heel technology, designed by a Danish yogi and guaranteed to improve your posture AND give you totally toned legs in 20 minutes or your money back!!!

3. I think this whole getting married thing is really a pretty good idea. I'm feeling good about it.

So there you have it, more positives than negatives. A little listing always brings me round.

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

The New Plan

My new plan is to follow Lloyd Dobbler's advice: Decide to be in a good mood and just BE in one. I'll let you know how it goes. My co-worker has already weighed in: "You better shut the hell up with that happy singing crap. You're not gonna win any friends that way."


The cutest scavenger hunt of all time was in the library this morning: dozens of four-year-olds wearing matching red vests. They all had a page with pictures on it of the things they were suppossed to find. "I found a escalator! It goes up and down!"

Monday, March 24, 2008

Overheard in the Library

"I just found out that there's no way Bush and Cheney coulda dropped those bombs. Know why? Cause they were in Bible study. And it just ain't possible to be in more than one place at a time."

Thursday, March 20, 2008

A musical quandry for my friend, the interwebs

Hey Internet! I have a question for you. Let's pretend that you are the kind of person who likes to dance at weddings (which, by the way, I sincerely hope you are). As such a person, what sort of music would you hope to be dancing to at said weddings?

Would it be:

A. Motown, baby! Give me some Stevie Wonder and I am sign, sealing, and delivering the finest dance moves you have ever seen.

B. Disco. I am all ABBA, all the time.

C. The terrible hip hop of my youth. I know what to do, chief: bust a move.

D. The obscure hipster music of today. I will feel cheated if anyone besides me can name the bands.

E. Something else, which I will hereby explain for you in elaborate detail!

Thank you for your assistance in this matter.

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

Meme of firsts

Straight-up stolen from Lass.

1. Who was your first prom date?

David F. And he was only a sophomore! The scandal!

2. Do you still talk to your first love?

No, but we are close personal Facebook friends. I know what his baby looks like.

And while we're on the subject: Does anyone else think it's weird the way that everyone in the Facebooks puts up profile pictures of their kids, instead of themselves? I mean, don't get me wrong, I really do want to see the cute baby pictures. And I'm sure if I ever have a kid I will do the exact same thing. But there is something about the identity erasing of it that gives me a little chill.

3. What was your first alcoholic drink?

First sip: Dad's beer, perhaps age 5.
First full drink: Champagne at family Christmas parties, sanctioned by the parents. Age 12?
Next full drinks: Stolen from the parents' liquor cabinet, mixed in questionable ways (for example: bourbon, vodka, and lemonade! yum!), and consumed with my friend Barb in a tree outside my house in the dead of night. Age 14.

4. What was your first job?

Being Chuck E. Cheese. In the mouse suit. Dancing. Yep.

5. What was your first car?

A 1992 Nissan Sentra. It was used, but I still can't believe they gave me a car that new. I'm now on car #2, a 1998 Nissan Sentra.

6. Who was the first person to text you today?

Wow, I read that as "speak to you," even though "text you" is nowhere close, which should tell you a lot about me and texting. I.e., it does't happen. I actually did get a text today, though, from AT&T Mobility. They changed my account password for me. Pretty exciting, no?

7. Who is the first person you thought of this morning?
Well, Mr. Awesome. He was right there. Unless you count Neko the cat, who was right on top of me and therefore first in my thoughts.

8. Who was your first grade teacher?
Mrs. Sims. She was scary. I don't remember her ever smiling.

9. Where did you go on your first ride on an airplane?
When I was about 3 weeks old, to my aunt's wedding. But I was 15 by the time of the first one I remember, from Montgomery, AL to JFK.

10. Who was your first best friend, and are you still friends with him/her?
Mary B., and sadly, no. I moved away after middle school, and I think we lived pretty different lives. I heard she got married right out of high school and is doing well.

On a happier note, I am still friends with Lula, who I've known since second grade and became best friends with--when? Seventh grade? She was more popular than me earlier on. Mary B. and I were still playing pretend games out in the woods while Lula and her crew had moved on to more adult pursuits, such as collecting Poochie stationery.

11. What was your first sport played?
When I was a kid, it was all soccer, all the time.

12. Where was your first sleepover?
I have no clue, but the ones I remember best were at Lula's house. Her mom let us watch terrifying movies such as The Lost Boys. It was good times.

13. Who was the first person you talked to today?
Still Mr. Awesome, although I did first tell Neko to get the hell off of me.

14. Whose wedding were you in the first time?
Um . . . I think Clare's wedding was first? Yes, Clare's wedding in Baltimore.

15. What was the first thing you did this morning?
Grumbled. I've had a cold on and off (mostly on) for nearly a month and it's starting to piss me off.

16. What was the first concert you ever went to?
I say different things to this question at different times, because I don't really remember. Maybe the Beach Boys, after a Birmingham Barons minor league baseball game? But probably one of the bluegrass festivals we went to with my dad. If that counts as a concert.

17. What was your first tattoo or piercing?
One time in high school, my parents saw a tattooed girl on the cover of my Sassy magazine. Or maybe she had an eyebrow piercing. Anyway, they told me that if I ever got tattooed or pierced anywhere except my ears, they were going to drain my college fund on cocaine, booze and whores. (Okay, if you're going to be a stickler for the facts, they just said they wouldn't pay for college. I'm trying to keep things interesting for you, is all.)

So I didn't get tattooed. Even after the college thing was a moot point, I never felt confident enough about any one tattoo design to be able to commit to it. And now, being an old person, I probably will never get one. As a minor act of rebellion in my sophomore year of high school, I did pierce a total of about 13 holes in my ears. I've since let them all grow back except for the original two.

18. What was the first foreign country you went to?
The UK.

19. What was your first run-in with the law?
I try to stay clear of the po-po. But here is a po-po story for you: One time, during a bachelorette party here in sunny Seattle, about 15 of us girls crammed into some guy's convertible on our way to the next bar. The guy got pulled over, and it turned out he had a breathalizer thingy in his car, and also he was driving without a license, and, well, it probably wasn't the best idea for him to be cramming all of those girls into his car, seatbelt-free.

My friend Tara and I ended up in the back of the cop car, and the cop told us his sad life story about how he didn't really want to be a cop, and he hoped his kids could aspire to something better, and he got married too young. Then he dropped us off at the next bar, and we went on our merry way.

20. When was your first detention?
I was always in detention in high school, mostly for tardiness. My carpool was the problem more often than I was (she HAD to stop at Burger King for a croissanwich or there was hell to pay), but I wasn't in any great rush to get to school either. Thus, detention.

21. What was the first state you lived in?
Alabama. Just those first 18 years.

22. Who was the first person to break your heart?
Chris U., grade 6, when he told me that he had been "just kidding" when he asked me to go with him. "JUST KIDDING"?! What the hell is that?

To this day, I am outraged at the injustice of it.

23. Who was your first roommate?
My first college roommate was a very nice African American girl who left our mostly white college after just a couple of months. Hard to blame her. I wonder what happened to her.

My next roommate was a Kappa Delta named Corinne, who I loved. She made door decs (that's short for "decoration," for anyone not initiated into the slang of the Greek system) for me and my friends that had the Greek letters "GDI" on them ("God Damn Independent"). She was awesome. Corinne, call me!

24. Where did you go on your first limo ride?
I think to a Mardi Gras ball. I've been in a limo like twice, both times in New Orleans.

Saturday, March 8, 2008

After seeing a clip on Access Hollywood in which Steve Gutenberg dedicated his Dancing with the Stars performance to his parents

Mr. Awesome to me: If we ever have a kid, and that kid grows up--I don't care how good he was in Police Academy--if he dedicates his performance on Dancing with the Stars to us? That kid is dead to me.

Friday, March 7, 2008

Yup, definitely still living in Seattle

So this morning, I was walking past a construction site near Pike Place Market. A bunch of construction dudes were hanging out, looking bored. And one of them looked at me. And he said, "That is a very pretty dress!"

And I said, "Thank you!"

And that was the end of that.