We haven't lost Santaville yet!

Mr. Awesome seems like a pretty normal guy, and in most ways he is. But he has one weakness: terrible, made-for-television holiday movies starring D-list actors. He loves them. LOVES. And now I am a complete convert.

For instance? A few years ago our favorite was this fine film, starring Tori Spelling, William Shatner and Gary Coleman--PLUS the added bonus of Jack #2 (or was it #3?) from Days of Our Lives. Tori Spelling is Scrooge, see, and she should have realized that Jack #2 was about to propose to her a long time ago before she became such a big star, only she didn't and now she is too big for her britches. Now, only Angel Gary Coleman can set things right!

That movie has been the gold standard of the genre. Until now. Because now, my friends, we anxiously anticipate Moonlight and Mistletoe, starring Tom Arnold and Candace Cameron Bure.

A quote from the preview: "We haven't lost Santaville yet!!" How can it not be awesome? Come on. You know you'll watch it.

Happy Thanksgiving, peops.


p.s. I'm off to the woods for a few days. It's clear I have been a hopeless failure at NaBloPoMo, but I guess I have decided that this blog deserves to live--barely.

Flippin' heck!

I have kind of a dirty mouth. I really enjoy swearing, and usually am not particularly apologetic about it. But I do work with kids, and sometimes it occurs to me that maybe I should cool it just a little with the pirate language.

Part of the problem is that I don't have enough good, clean exclamatory words at my disposal. Like, if I want to say that something is awesome, or that something sucks, those are pretty much the only two words I use to express those feelings without resorting to profanity. There are other modes of expression out there, though, and I have occasionally tried to employ them.

For instance, here are some vocabulary-building avenues I have explored.

1. Britishisms

Positive exclamations:
"Simply ripping!"
"Spiffy!"
"Boffing!"
"Blimey!" (can also be used as negative)

Negative exclamations:
"Bugger!"
"Bloody hell!"
"Bollocks!"

I quite enjoy the Britishisms, but there is no getting around the fact that as an American, using them makes me sound like a complete tosser.

2. Old Ladyisms

Neutral exclamations:
"My stars!"
"Heavens!"
"Goodness gracious!"

Negative exclamations:
"Whoopsie daisy!"
"Oh dear!"

I do use some of these sometimes--"My stars" is kind of a favorite, being also a Southernism--but I'm just not quite old enough yet to use these with credibility.

3. Mormonisms

Negative exclamations:
"Ding-dang it!"
"Crud!" (variant: "Scrud!")
"Fishsticks!"
"For Pete's sake!"
"Flippin' heck!"
"Oh fetch!"

Aren't these awesome?! There are a ton more, but having not been raised Mormon I can only remember these few. Maybe there are also positive Mormon exclamations, but I don't know those. At any rate, I deeply respect the way that Mormons realized that swearing is wrong and then built up a lengthy, expressive vocabulary of their very own swears. It warms the heart.

Still, I'm not Mormon, and I feel like stealing their very awesome swears could be seen as making fun of them, even though I regard their swear language with great admiration.

So I'm back where I started. Does anyone have any suggestions for me?

That'll work

At the reference desk, part 7,964:

Patron: Do you have a Port-O-Potty on this floor?

Me: Ahm. No. But we have restrooms on levels 1, 4, and 7.

Patron: Oh. Well, I guess that'll work.

Nice jacket

I have this bright yellow jacket. I mean, it is really bright. I needed a biking jacket, and Mr. Awesome made me get the very brightest one they had. Apparently, science has made some real strides in neon colors in the last few years, because I'm pretty sure this one gives off its own light.

Anyway, this brightness is completely fine for riding the bike, and it's good for safety, and all that crap. Visually, it makes sense when I am also wearing the ridiculous biking pants.* But if I don't pack a different jacket to wear when I'm running errands during the day at work (and I usually don't), then I have to wear the radioactive glowing jacket with my regular outfit. And I look like a freak.

I was already aware of this, but it was really brought home to me today when I left the building wearing the jacket and my regular, non-biking pants. As I walked out the door, a homeless dude
spotted me, gave me a once-over, and said in a voice dripping with sarcasm, "Hey. Nice jacket."


*With shorts over them. Call me a prude, but I don't think anyone should have to see anyone in just the ridiculous biking pants. It's uncomfortable.

Subconscious arguments with myself

So, I'm still riding my bike to work sometimes. Not every day, mind you, and I often wimp out and put it on the bus for the ride back home. (The ride home is slightly more uphill than the ride to work, you see.) But get this--last night I had an anxiety dream that I forgot to bike to work today. And took the bus instead. That was it! Big disaster! I took the bus!


I don't know whether to be relieved or saddened that this is the level to which my anxiety dreams have sunk.

**
**

My kidneys hurt. This has been going on for a while now, and at first I thought maybe I wasn't drinking enough water. Except that I drink approximately 12 gallons of water per day, as well as a few cups of herbal tea. (And yes, okay, some coffee, but not THAT much coffee. Well, not that much for Seattle.) And then I realized: it's because I hold it. See, there's no bathroom on my floor of the library--not for staff, and not for patrons. This situation is the cause of some dismay for patrons, and some kidney issues for staff, namely me.

I'll sit at the reference desk for hours, holding it, because going to another floor is like, an errand. I'll be gone from the desk for at least 10-15 minutes, and I'm convinced that by that time the teenagers* might have burned the place down. Plus, there is the lazy. Sometimes I'll have almost subconscious arguments with myself where I'm like, "I'll just hold it another 20 minutes. That way, maybe I can just go to the bathroom 4 times today, instead of 6! I'm saving half an hour!!"

But losing my kidneys. So maybe I should rethink that strategery.


*Actually, to be fair, in terms of burning the place down the teenagers aren't nearly as big of a threat as the other people who hang out on my floor. Every day I have to remind a big group of dudes that they can't roll their cigarettes inside the library, and I'm sure they'd light right up if I let them.

Cutest and saddest

This is simultaneously the cutest and saddest thing I have ever seen.

Pity and befuddlement

There are a bunch of teens in the library right now doing a scavenger hunt, and apparently one of the items on their list is to get a librarian to tell them a joke. I only know two jokes. One of them is about Sarah Palin. This is the other one:

Q: Why doesn't Hitler drink tequila?
A: Because it makes him mean.

I also thought of one time when Mr. Awesome was asked to tell a joke in a job interview. I can't remember what he actually said, but when he told our friends the story, his response was, "Don't you think it's weird that we say that we TAKE a shit, when we really LEAVE a shit? I mean WHAT. Is the DEAL. With THAT."

Anyway, for the teenagers I had to resort to the old "Sam and Janet Evening" knock-knock joke. I've never had a group of people look at me with such a mixture of pity and befuddlement as those teens did when I started singing a show tune from South Pacific.

I will leave you to ponder

Conversation I just had with an elderly male patron, in its entirety:

Him: I think I just offended the African American culture.

Me: Oh. Um, well . . . I'm sure the culture will be willing to forgive you.

Him: Perhaps. I often have trouble understanding what we determine to be right and wrong in these modern times.

Me: Hmm. Well, I think a lot of us do.

Him: People dress to express their inner selves. Wearing yellow and gold signifies cowardliness. I will leave you to ponder that thought.

Me (wearing a yellow shirt and goldish-orange cardigan): Thank you. Have a good day.

Very nice

I had a very nice day off.  I spent a couple of hours finishing my book at a coffee shop, then walked on the beach at Discovery Park.  That is all.

If I'm going to post to this thing every day, there are going to be some stinkers.

Don't let those idiots hornswaggle you

My mom called me the other night and told me she had to come clean: she voted for McCain. In the end, she said, she couldn't bring herself to vote against the "pro-life" candidate. She voted in the Democratic primary--for Obama--and (unbeknownst to me) fretted about her final decision right up to election day. So much so, she said, that in the voting booth, she actually started voting for Obama, and then remembered at the last second that she'd decided to vote for McCain. I had no idea that I had been talking to a swing voter on the phone all these months. Obviously, I could have done better.

So when you were wondering all this time who that last undecided voter was? And if they enjoyed platters of shit with broken glass in them? That was my mom. And, well . . . no comment, I guess.

The whole time she was talking my dad was on the other phone, hollering, "The Republicans will never overturn Roe v. Wade! They'd lose their base! Don't let those idiots hornswaggle you!" And I might have jumped in with a few Palin-related comments. It's possible. But then we both let her off the hook. She's a nice person, and she doesn't live in a swing state. Also, it takes guts to come clean to a liberal nut like me. And apparently, my dad.

Still, if the election had been conducted just among my family, Obama would have won 3-1. That's right: my Sigma Nu, Republican, hunting-and-fishing, tax attorney brother--who once complained over Christmas dinner that the government might take some of our parents' money when they die and that therefore he wouldn't get his rightful share of it (all)--voted for Obama.

Why? Sarah Palin. You betcha! There is hope for him yet.

The most awesomest information thing

Thank you for the suggestions for filling my day off yesterday. I tried to follow them, with spotty success. Kent mentioned heading to a coffeeshop with a book. So I went to two different coffeeshops (driving to both, naturally--walking is for commies), but they were both packed. Not only was every seat taken, but there were actually Seattlites standing glumly in doorways, waiting for a table to open up. I guess library employees weren't the only ones with the day off. I like reading in coffeeshops and all, but not that much.

So that didn't work, but my failure did allow me to follow through on Readerguide's idea of just reading at home on the couch. Score one for me! (I'm reading Watchmen right now, by the way, and it's making me concerned that I might be an idiot. I can't seem to keep the characters straight. All those strong jaw lines look alike to me.)

Then I was saved from my own lack of imagination by PCL and a trip to Anthropolo-Gee-that-is-very-expensive. It was a successful shopping trip for both of us: she found a cute top, and I managed not to buy anything. Well, until I bought two t-shirts at the H&M next door for like $1.47. They may not be great fashion pieces but they will keep me not naked. I'm lowering my fashion standards in these troubled economic times. Plus, we just paid taxes on the car.

When I got home I tried to complete Kent's second suggestion of cooking a real dinner. First I baked some chocolate chip cookies to take to our new neighbors--oops, nope, I completely burnt them and threw them away. Then I spent a very long time making a fancy eggplant pesto lasagna for Mr. Awesome . . . and it wasn't very good either. It was edible, but it wasn't something I would proudly point to and say, "There lies two and a half hours of my life." I'm not a good cook, and while this is not something I'm proud of, it's something I try to accept. Still, usually I can follow directions and come up with something edible. Not lately though. I'm like the anti-wife. It's sad.

In brighter news, today at the library I taught a group of seven teens in foster care how to search the library's website for magazine and newspaper articles; they were doing research for the local teen newspaper they write for. One of them said, "This is like, the most awesomest information thing I have ever seen." I'm thinking of having that made into a t-shirt.


p.s. Elizabeth, I'm off Friday and I'll try to follow up on at least one of your suggestions then.

Stories on TLC

There are many things about being a civil servant that aren't so awesome.  But there are definitely some ticks in the awesome column, such as the fact that we get Veteran's Day off.  I was going to take the car out to Ik3a today (because I can), but I think that errand will have to wait another pay day.  Fred Meyer already claimed all of our spending money for this cycle.  And I guess it's just as well--any trip to Ik3a always ends with me in a blind rage.  Mr. Awesome and I have vowed never to go there together again because even though we hardly ever fight, Ik3a is a guaranteed brawl every time.  We always get lost in the scary suburbs where the Ik3a lives, and also, Ik3a itself is a swirling hellmouth.  But hey, cheap curtains!

So I've got a chilly, drizzly Seattle day off to fill.  Any thoughts for what I should do with it?  I'm feeling uninspired.  Don't let me remain unshowered until 3 p.m. watching Stories on TLC.

A dental hero

My right eye is infected and it's really gross--all puffy and red and swollen.  My doctor was sufficiently disgusted by my appearance to tell me to stay home from work today.   So I watched some My So-Called Life episodes; I have the series checked out from the library right now and Mr. Awesome has no interest in watching it, so this was a golden opportunity.  I haven't seen that show since it aired, and it's weird to see those ugly plaid shirt dresses that Angela always wears and know I had a bunch of them.  Oh Grunge, you cast a long, ugly shadow over the fashion world.  

In other exciting health-related news, I went to the dentist.  32 years and still no cavities.  There aren't many things I'm really good at, but I am amazing at not getting cavitities.  I don't really floss very often, but the hygenist and the dentist always go into raptures about how amazingly well I take care of my teeth, and regard me as a sort of dental hero.  It's nice.  Also, today my dentist was wearing the most resplendent Cosby sweater I've ever seen--more resplendent even than those actually worn by Cosby.  It was more like Joseph's (or Dolly's) coat of many colors.  I was fascinated.

Sorry, environment

I'm sucking at this post-every-day thing, aren't I?  Don't answer that.

So, after a car-free summer, Mr. Awesome and I are car owners once again.  A couple of years ago his car got stolen and stripped to the bones by some suburban thugs who apparently needed to pimp out their Honda.  Our remaining car, my 1998 Nissan Sentra, was rear-ended this June and declared deceased by our insurance company.  (Which was actually pretty sweet because we got about $4500 for it, and otherwise I know we would have had to sell it for parts.  It was a heap.)

We went without a car for a few months, partly because we were waiting for the insurance money to clear and we were taking time to research cars, and partly to see if we could get by without one.  It turns out that we could.  We both work downtown now, and we can commute by bus in 15-20 minutes.  I biked a lot.  If we were out late (which we almost never were, being old and tired), we'd sometimes take a cab.  It was doable.  

But also, it completely sucked.  We were a pain in our friends' collective ass, always needing a ride or to borrow a car.  Buying anything heavy or bulky required serious planning--it was almost impossible to carry home both kitty litter AND laundry detergent.   I pulled some crazy capers trying to get 3 full bags of groceries home on my bike.  And without a car, it's pretty hard to be spontaneous.  If you want to get away for a weekend--or even just go out to a restaurant on the other side of town--you have to start planning well in advance.

But now we have a car of our own!  Just like Real Americans!  (It looks like this, if you are the kind of person who cares about such things.)  It's not new, but it's the newest car I've owned.  And it has fancy features that we have never before experienced in a car of our own, such as a CD player and (gasp!) a rear window wiper.  And you can put a ton of shit in it without even trying.  Yesterday we went to Fred Meyer and bought one of everything they had.

I must say, it's pretty effing nice to be driving again.  Sorry, environment.  Guess I don't love you quite as much as I thought.

Tresemme Hair Salon and the Loreal Paris Makeup Room

Tonight we hosted M.T. Anders0n at our library, and boy, does he rule.  You know how it is with authors--sometimes the ones you think will be really great, dynamic speakers turn out to be, well, authors.  They're shy and introverted and kind of hard to watch.  (Like I would be.)  I thought M.T. might be one of those--like, that since his books are kind of dark that maybe he spends a lot of time alone, wearing black, or something.  But nope.

He looks and dresses sort of like the coolest professor at your college.  When he was writing his Octavian Nothing books (for three years, mind you) he only read books that were written in the 18th century, or else books that those people would have read.  Like the Greeks and Romans.

Also, when I first met him he made a joke about me sweeping him off to the Tresemme Hair Salon and the Loreal Paris Makeup Room before he went onstage, and my heart was his forever.

Yes We Did

I don't expect to see anything more wonderful on the world stage in my lifetime than Obama winning the election.  I don't have anything particularly smart or eloquent to say about it, but I did have some booty shaking to do about it last night.  Those booty shakes go out to you, Mr. Obama. Thank you.

Twitchy

Mr. Awesome and I were the first people to vote in our precinct this morning--numbers 1 and 2. We were there about 10 minutes before the polls opened, and there were already about 25 people there. We all quequed up quietly like the docile North Seattlites that we are.

After today, all elections in Washington state will be vote by mail, and I'm a bit sad about it. I've voted by mail before, and I acknowledge that it is cool to take your time with the ballot over coffee and whatnot. But there is something about the air of celebration at the polling place--even at 6:45 on a cold, wet morning--that I'll miss. Plus, with vote by mail? No sticker.

I'm going to be in a meeting most of the day today, which I kind of can't believe. Sure, sure, it's probably better for me to be away from a computer, but I know I'm going to get twitchy. I might have to pop out for a few minutes if the shakes set in.

Mr. Awesome just sent me this election day cuteness distraction. Did you even know such adorableness was possible?

Go vote now. And if you've already voted, please allow me to say that you are looking smoking hot today and everybody knows it.

I've got crazy

All right then. Even though it's too late for me to really do nablopomo, I'm doing it anyway. If, after a month(ish) of forcing myself to write something in this sad little blog every day, I find that the blog still deserves to die, I will kill it dead. I will even be gracious enough to remove its moldy corpse from the internet. (Aren't you glad I'm back? It's writing like that that keeps the fans clamoring for more.)

Unfortunately, I won't be able to write very much of interest until Nov. 5th, because at this time I have to spend all of my free time fretting about the election. ALL of it. Plus some time that should really be set aside for other things, such as working, eating, and going to the bathroom.

Part of the problem is that, in my deep and abiding self-centeredness, I truly believe two things:

1. Whether or not Obama wins this election depends entirely on me and how overconfident I allow myself to get. If I ever let the words, "I think Obama is going to w__" cross my lips, it's all over.

2. If I take my eyes off of the polls for more than fifteen minutes, John McCain will suddenly be ten points ahead and will then surge to victory. I am keeping the electoral map blue by sheer force of will.

I mean sure, some people are opening their homes to buzillions of Obama volunteers, canvassing nonstop, making phone calls. But hey, I've got crazy completely covered. So don't you worry your pretty little head about that.