Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Advice for Criminals

Those who know me best know that I can be sort of, well--not exactly slow, but, you know . . . special. Like, I usually can't locate at least one of the following: keys, work ID, wallet, sunglasses, drivers license, or phone. And I regularly walk into a room and forget why I'm there. And sometimes conversations fade from my mind the second they are over.

But I've been worse than usual lately. I think the two days of unaccustomed warmth and sunshine earlier this week boiled my brain.

Monday was the first day of nice weather, and since I was working the evening shift, I had the genius idea to sit out on the porch and enjoy my morning coffee and newspaper in the sunshine. And it was all very nice and relaxing and wonderful--until I tried to get back inside the house. And realized that I'd locked myself out. Barefoot. In my pajamas.

Now, I wasn't indecent or anything--I had on a hoodie and t-shirt and pajama pants. Still, there is something kind of undignified about standing around stupidly in the yard wearing bright floral paperweight pants, tugging pointlessly on the front door.

After about 45 minutes of wandering around the house climbing on things, banging on other things, and pushing on still other things, I did finally find a way inside that did minimal damage to our home. I won't share my incredible McGyver-type solution with you, lest you be a burglar casing my joint. (Just know, criminals, that my house is now 100% secure, and also we have two ravenous attack cats. With rabies.)

If you are thinking of beginning a brand new career in burglary, allow me to recommend floral-print pants as your preferred attire. According to my scientific research, they make you approximately 437 times more invisible than camouflage, a cat suit, or ordinary street clothes. Probably fifty people walked by while I was desperately trying to break into my own home and not a single one of them so much as glanced in my direction.

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Incidentally, I must direct you to the Pop Culture One, who is currently featuring a heart-warming story of shoe worship that took place at my wedding.

3 comments:

Make!Do! said...

Ahem. I am all in favor of other people's excellent stories about your wedding. But more more more details. Please! If you want.

thelass said...

I second that request and ooooh....shiny shoes..... :) Also, I have locked myself out of the house so many times that we now have a key hidden on the property. Just for me.

Librarian Girl said...

That is a very heartwarming story about the friendly Seattle poeple who don't care that you are locked out. Yay for our street. Gawd.