Tuesday, November 16, 2010

On the 312, 7:59 a.m.

I get on my bus at the very last stop before it expresses its way downtown, so it's usually pretty crowded and I have to stand.  Today was no exception, but then a cute young African American guy behind me offered his seat.  Normally I decline seats, but today I thought, what the hell? I'm tired and I'm carrying a breast pump.  So I thanked him profusely and sat.

An older Asian lady noticed this exchange and said, "Oh, what a gentleman!  You're a gentleman, aren't you?  Such a gentleman. You want to get married?  Let's get married!"

A middle aged white guy broke in at this point.  "MARRIAGE IS A BROKEN INSTITUTION.  ALL WOMEN ARE GOLD DIGGERS."

The poor kid.  "I think I'm probably too young to get married--I'm just eighteen.  Maybe after I finish college."

"No problem!" said the lady.  "I have a PhD, I take care of everything!  You never worry.  We get married." 

And then the white guy took it straight to crazy:  "OH LADY, YOU THINK YOU'RE SO GREAT?  WHAT DO YOU THINK ARE THE CHANCES I'LL BE THE NEXT KING OF ENGLAND?"

Erm . . . yeah.

As we cruised into downtown, the white guy explained to the kid that he should make sure to get a prenup.  He himself was due to come into twelve hundred dollars of his parents' money, he said, so it was important for him to make sure that no gold-digging lady could get her hands on it.  The kid should do the same before his impending marriage to the older lady.  The kid promised to take that into consideration.

In the end, I kind of wanted to marry that sweet polite kid myself.  After he got off the bus, the older lady turned to the woman next to her and said, "Oh no, he's gone.  I guess we don't get married.  Well, that's okay.  He was a little too old for me."

"Too old?"

"Yes, I need to get one younger so I can train him.  You know what I train him to do first?  Suck toe.  Start with little one, go to big one.  Suck one by one."

6 comments:

Jennie said...

Hahahahaha, last comment is priceless. Will you be taking another seat if it's offered?!

Librarian Girl said...

I just routed my bus ride for my new commute in January. Like, literally I did that 5 minutes before I read this.

It's like you are personally welcoming me to the bus.

Lass said...

Is it wrong that reading this makes me miss riding public transportation? Because it does.

ahniwa said...

One of my grad school instructors was obsessed with what mattered to people on the 24 bus (a bus line in Montreal). Not a bad thing to think about when considering how your average person views libraries (or doesn't view them, as the case may be).

Somehow I don't think this particular situation ever crossed his mind.

librarianista said...

Welcome, welcome, LG. We're all friends on the 312.

Jennie, I did feel bad for exposing the kid to all that crazy. On the other hand, it was pretty good free entertainment, so I don't know if I'd turn down the next seat.

guybrarian said...

Delightful account. I've got two main genres of busride: #39, which gets very interesting when we hit that VA hospital - much theory and commentary, but always a palpable feeling of camaraderie too - everyone tight, everyone a brother.

And the one, the only, #7, which, oh sweet lord, I could tell you things... such things. Jerry Springer.

Now the Light Rail - that's almost like riding an elevator by comparison.