Mr. Awesome seems like a pretty normal guy, and in most ways he is. But he has one weakness: terrible, made-for-television holiday movies starring D-list actors. He loves them. LOVES. And now I am a complete convert.
For instance? A few years ago our favorite was this fine film, starring Tori Spelling, William Shatner and Gary Coleman--PLUS the added bonus of Jack #2 (or was it #3?) from Days of Our Lives. Tori Spelling is Scrooge, see, and she should have realized that Jack #2 was about to propose to her a long time ago before she became such a big star, only she didn't and now she is too big for her britches. Now, only Angel Gary Coleman can set things right!
That movie has been the gold standard of the genre. Until now. Because now, my friends, we anxiously anticipate Moonlight and Mistletoe, starring Tom Arnold and Candace Cameron Bure.
A quote from the preview: "We haven't lost Santaville yet!!" How can it not be awesome? Come on. You know you'll watch it.
Happy Thanksgiving, peops.
p.s. I'm off to the woods for a few days. It's clear I have been a hopeless failure at NaBloPoMo, but I guess I have decided that this blog deserves to live--barely.
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Flippin' heck!
I have kind of a dirty mouth. I really enjoy swearing, and usually am not particularly apologetic about it. But I do work with kids, and sometimes it occurs to me that maybe I should cool it just a little with the pirate language.
Part of the problem is that I don't have enough good, clean exclamatory words at my disposal. Like, if I want to say that something is awesome, or that something sucks, those are pretty much the only two words I use to express those feelings without resorting to profanity. There are other modes of expression out there, though, and I have occasionally tried to employ them.
For instance, here are some vocabulary-building avenues I have explored.
1. Britishisms
Positive exclamations:
"Simply ripping!"
"Spiffy!"
"Boffing!"
"Blimey!" (can also be used as negative)
Negative exclamations:
"Bugger!"
"Bloody hell!"
"Bollocks!"
I quite enjoy the Britishisms, but there is no getting around the fact that as an American, using them makes me sound like a complete tosser.
2. Old Ladyisms
Neutral exclamations:
"My stars!"
"Heavens!"
"Goodness gracious!"
Negative exclamations:
"Whoopsie daisy!"
"Oh dear!"
I do use some of these sometimes--"My stars" is kind of a favorite, being also a Southernism--but I'm just not quite old enough yet to use these with credibility.
3. Mormonisms
Negative exclamations:
"Ding-dang it!"
"Crud!" (variant: "Scrud!")
"Fishsticks!"
"For Pete's sake!"
"Flippin' heck!"
"Oh fetch!"
Aren't these awesome?! There are a ton more, but having not been raised Mormon I can only remember these few. Maybe there are also positive Mormon exclamations, but I don't know those. At any rate, I deeply respect the way that Mormons realized that swearing is wrong and then built up a lengthy, expressive vocabulary of their very own swears. It warms the heart.
Still, I'm not Mormon, and I feel like stealing their very awesome swears could be seen as making fun of them, even though I regard their swear language with great admiration.
So I'm back where I started. Does anyone have any suggestions for me?
Part of the problem is that I don't have enough good, clean exclamatory words at my disposal. Like, if I want to say that something is awesome, or that something sucks, those are pretty much the only two words I use to express those feelings without resorting to profanity. There are other modes of expression out there, though, and I have occasionally tried to employ them.
For instance, here are some vocabulary-building avenues I have explored.
1. Britishisms
Positive exclamations:
"Simply ripping!"
"Spiffy!"
"Boffing!"
"Blimey!" (can also be used as negative)
Negative exclamations:
"Bugger!"
"Bloody hell!"
"Bollocks!"
I quite enjoy the Britishisms, but there is no getting around the fact that as an American, using them makes me sound like a complete tosser.
2. Old Ladyisms
Neutral exclamations:
"My stars!"
"Heavens!"
"Goodness gracious!"
Negative exclamations:
"Whoopsie daisy!"
"Oh dear!"
I do use some of these sometimes--"My stars" is kind of a favorite, being also a Southernism--but I'm just not quite old enough yet to use these with credibility.
3. Mormonisms
Negative exclamations:
"Ding-dang it!"
"Crud!" (variant: "Scrud!")
"Fishsticks!"
"For Pete's sake!"
"Flippin' heck!"
"Oh fetch!"
Aren't these awesome?! There are a ton more, but having not been raised Mormon I can only remember these few. Maybe there are also positive Mormon exclamations, but I don't know those. At any rate, I deeply respect the way that Mormons realized that swearing is wrong and then built up a lengthy, expressive vocabulary of their very own swears. It warms the heart.
Still, I'm not Mormon, and I feel like stealing their very awesome swears could be seen as making fun of them, even though I regard their swear language with great admiration.
So I'm back where I started. Does anyone have any suggestions for me?
That'll work
At the reference desk, part 7,964:
Patron: Do you have a Port-O-Potty on this floor?
Me: Ahm. No. But we have restrooms on levels 1, 4, and 7.
Patron: Oh. Well, I guess that'll work.
Patron: Do you have a Port-O-Potty on this floor?
Me: Ahm. No. But we have restrooms on levels 1, 4, and 7.
Patron: Oh. Well, I guess that'll work.
Thursday, November 20, 2008
Nice jacket
I have this bright yellow jacket. I mean, it is really bright. I needed a biking jacket, and Mr. Awesome made me get the very brightest one they had. Apparently, science has made some real strides in neon colors in the last few years, because I'm pretty sure this one gives off its own light.
Anyway, this brightness is completely fine for riding the bike, and it's good for safety, and all that crap. Visually, it makes sense when I am also wearing the ridiculous biking pants.* But if I don't pack a different jacket to wear when I'm running errands during the day at work (and I usually don't), then I have to wear the radioactive glowing jacket with my regular outfit. And I look like a freak.
I was already aware of this, but it was really brought home to me today when I left the building wearing the jacket and my regular, non-biking pants. As I walked out the door, a homeless dude
spotted me, gave me a once-over, and said in a voice dripping with sarcasm, "Hey. Nice jacket."
*With shorts over them. Call me a prude, but I don't think anyone should have to see anyone in just the ridiculous biking pants. It's uncomfortable.
Anyway, this brightness is completely fine for riding the bike, and it's good for safety, and all that crap. Visually, it makes sense when I am also wearing the ridiculous biking pants.* But if I don't pack a different jacket to wear when I'm running errands during the day at work (and I usually don't), then I have to wear the radioactive glowing jacket with my regular outfit. And I look like a freak.
I was already aware of this, but it was really brought home to me today when I left the building wearing the jacket and my regular, non-biking pants. As I walked out the door, a homeless dude
spotted me, gave me a once-over, and said in a voice dripping with sarcasm, "Hey. Nice jacket."
*With shorts over them. Call me a prude, but I don't think anyone should have to see anyone in just the ridiculous biking pants. It's uncomfortable.
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
Subconscious arguments with myself
So, I'm still riding my bike to work sometimes. Not every day, mind you, and I often wimp out and put it on the bus for the ride back home. (The ride home is slightly more uphill than the ride to work, you see.) But get this--last night I had an anxiety dream that I forgot to bike to work today. And took the bus instead. That was it! Big disaster! I took the bus!
I don't know whether to be relieved or saddened that this is the level to which my anxiety dreams have sunk.
**
**
My kidneys hurt. This has been going on for a while now, and at first I thought maybe I wasn't drinking enough water. Except that I drink approximately 12 gallons of water per day, as well as a few cups of herbal tea. (And yes, okay, some coffee, but not THAT much coffee. Well, not that much for Seattle.) And then I realized: it's because I hold it. See, there's no bathroom on my floor of the library--not for staff, and not for patrons. This situation is the cause of some dismay for patrons, and some kidney issues for staff, namely me.
I'll sit at the reference desk for hours, holding it, because going to another floor is like, an errand. I'll be gone from the desk for at least 10-15 minutes, and I'm convinced that by that time the teenagers* might have burned the place down. Plus, there is the lazy. Sometimes I'll have almost subconscious arguments with myself where I'm like, "I'll just hold it another 20 minutes. That way, maybe I can just go to the bathroom 4 times today, instead of 6! I'm saving half an hour!!"
But losing my kidneys. So maybe I should rethink that strategery.
*Actually, to be fair, in terms of burning the place down the teenagers aren't nearly as big of a threat as the other people who hang out on my floor. Every day I have to remind a big group of dudes that they can't roll their cigarettes inside the library, and I'm sure they'd light right up if I let them.
I don't know whether to be relieved or saddened that this is the level to which my anxiety dreams have sunk.
**
**
My kidneys hurt. This has been going on for a while now, and at first I thought maybe I wasn't drinking enough water. Except that I drink approximately 12 gallons of water per day, as well as a few cups of herbal tea. (And yes, okay, some coffee, but not THAT much coffee. Well, not that much for Seattle.) And then I realized: it's because I hold it. See, there's no bathroom on my floor of the library--not for staff, and not for patrons. This situation is the cause of some dismay for patrons, and some kidney issues for staff, namely me.
I'll sit at the reference desk for hours, holding it, because going to another floor is like, an errand. I'll be gone from the desk for at least 10-15 minutes, and I'm convinced that by that time the teenagers* might have burned the place down. Plus, there is the lazy. Sometimes I'll have almost subconscious arguments with myself where I'm like, "I'll just hold it another 20 minutes. That way, maybe I can just go to the bathroom 4 times today, instead of 6! I'm saving half an hour!!"
But losing my kidneys. So maybe I should rethink that strategery.
*Actually, to be fair, in terms of burning the place down the teenagers aren't nearly as big of a threat as the other people who hang out on my floor. Every day I have to remind a big group of dudes that they can't roll their cigarettes inside the library, and I'm sure they'd light right up if I let them.
Monday, November 17, 2008
Saturday, November 15, 2008
Pity and befuddlement
There are a bunch of teens in the library right now doing a scavenger hunt, and apparently one of the items on their list is to get a librarian to tell them a joke. I only know two jokes. One of them is about Sarah Palin. This is the other one:
Q: Why doesn't Hitler drink tequila?
A: Because it makes him mean.
I also thought of one time when Mr. Awesome was asked to tell a joke in a job interview. I can't remember what he actually said, but when he told our friends the story, his response was, "Don't you think it's weird that we say that we TAKE a shit, when we really LEAVE a shit? I mean WHAT. Is the DEAL. With THAT."
Anyway, for the teenagers I had to resort to the old "Sam and Janet Evening" knock-knock joke. I've never had a group of people look at me with such a mixture of pity and befuddlement as those teens did when I started singing a show tune from South Pacific.
Q: Why doesn't Hitler drink tequila?
A: Because it makes him mean.
I also thought of one time when Mr. Awesome was asked to tell a joke in a job interview. I can't remember what he actually said, but when he told our friends the story, his response was, "Don't you think it's weird that we say that we TAKE a shit, when we really LEAVE a shit? I mean WHAT. Is the DEAL. With THAT."
Anyway, for the teenagers I had to resort to the old "Sam and Janet Evening" knock-knock joke. I've never had a group of people look at me with such a mixture of pity and befuddlement as those teens did when I started singing a show tune from South Pacific.
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