Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Speckled trout

This time next week, I will be on The Amazing Vacation of Laziness. I can't even explain how excited about it I am.

The other day I was talking to a coworker who had just gotten back from Hawaii,and she was full of advice for traveling to warm climates. "Hey, you know what you should do before you go?" she said to me. "You should go to the tanning bed. What you really need is a nice base tan."

I'm pretty sure I managed not to laugh in her face. But maybe not completely.

Because here is the thing about people who tan. Deep down inside, none of them can believe that there is a human on this planet who can't do it. It's SO EASY, they think! You just go outside and magically become darker! It's like God's hypercolor!

I can tell these people truly believe that if I just tried harder and weren't such a wuss about it, I could do it too. But allow me to share a science fact with you, oh tanners: I CAN'T TAN.

But I can do other stuff. Here's what I can do: I can get a sunburn in February. I can shed my entire outer layer of skin like a snake. I can have darker freckles. But the skin inbetween the freckles is never, ever going to tan. So please do not speak to me of base tans and SPF 8 and the like. It's SPF 1,000,000 for me, and a big ridiculous hat. I know I look like a speckled trout in a bathing suit, but trust me when I say there is nothing I can do about it.

6 comments:

Jennie said...

Make sure to take pictures of the speckled trout! I find tropical fauna fascinating ;-)

thelass said...

I'm totally going to steal this rant the next time someone asks me why I'm always "so pale!". Gah.

Librarian Girl said...

Maybe this might make you feel better: non-white folks think tanning is funny. Like, we laugh about it in private. And talk about it with glee.

So at least you won't be laughed at in secret. Which is something, right?

Jen Robinson said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Jen Robinson said...

I also peel, sunburn, and blister, but my skin doesn't get darker ever. Unless you count the freckles on my arms getting so dark that they can meld into one another if you squint really hard.

Beverly Hamilton Wenham said...

Thank goodness you did not cave in to the pressure to be a member of the agent orange team. As a redhead and pale person I can do nothing in the sun but burst into flame. I thought maybe that Nicole Kidman was going to be our model of pale perfection, but then she started putting that goo into her face. Poor thing. Be pale and age with grace for goodness sake!
Oh, and have fun on your vacation!